Playoff hockey is a rite of Spring. And in Canada, complaining about the officiating in said hockey playoffs is as much a rite of Spring as playoff hockey itself. What I've learned since moving to the great United States, however, is that there are more important things to complain about.
I miss Canadian hockey commentary, but I have, over time, become accustomed to the characters on FSN-Pittsburgh. And, of course, there is the wonderful world of Mike Lange and Bob Grove.
But as the playoffs progress, I am more and more subject to the spectacle that is Versus hockey coverage. Among other things (like interviews carrying on in pop-ups covering half the screen as the new period begins), I am continually astonished at the strings of words that come out of the hockey commentators' mouths.
Normally when I am forced to watch hockey on Versus I spend half the time yelling at the television, and I spend the rest of the time deciding whether to laugh or cry. But this year, in an effort to channel my rage, I decided to keep a record of their buffoonery.
As it turns out, they offered several gems.
For no particular reason, here are a few of my favourites:
"Bryzgalov struggled ocularly with that one!"
He was screened. That is all.
"Optically at a disadvantage is Quick. And Samuelsson scores! Wow. That puck had eyes."
Yes. The punctuation is an accurate depiction of the expression on that one.
"Oh my goodness! Luongo with a tentacular save!!!"
I don't know what that means (although it turns out this one has a definition), but I'm sure it is astounding.
"You'd have to put lipstick, earrings, wigs on the three goals that have been
scored tonight -- to make 'em pretty."
Really? That must have been Mike Milbury.
And finally ...
"I f'ng love acid so much. It's just almost impossible to plan a day to do it."
Okay -- that last one is from my roommate. But it came at the end of the Detroit-Phoenix Game 7, and it seems somehow relevant.
The hockey gods are frowning upon you, dear Versus. Please give all your money to the Lifetime Movie Network, and start covering baseball instead of hockey.