A Tongue-in-Cheek rebuttle to Jon Press's Eulogy for the Penguins

Jon Press of Japers Rink posted a Eulogy of the Penguins over at Puck Daddy. I recommend going there and reading it. It was funny. But I’d like to offer some responses to his HI-larious comments.  And don’t forget to read the erudite comments left by those articulate Caps Fans. They ARE worth the price of admission,

By Jon "J.P." Press
Oh, hey there. Forgive me, but I wasn't expecting you so soon. I mean, the defending Stanley Cup champions facing the playoffs' 16-seed coming off an emotionally draining seven-game series against the Presidents' Trophy winner? I thought I had another couple of weeks, at least, to compose my thoughts on the end of the Penguins 2009-10 season, but it wasn't to be.
Yeah. Losing to number 16 is much, much worse than the President’s Trophy Winner, number 1 losing to number 16! And we’re glad you could pry yourself away from the numerous (mini) golf courses you Caps Fans frequent each May the last couple of decades to write this. We appreciate your sacrifice. By the way, is Ovie there or is he still taking that Dale Carnegie Course? Did he really take 368 shots on the last windmill hole…and lose?

…The Penguins' two-year run of consecutive finals appearances is over and there's nothing left but the crying, which, in Pittsburgh, never ends, thanks to the kid they call captain.

Most of the crying seems to have come from Caps and Detroit fans; crying because they think they are the ONLY ones in hockey ever jobbed by the officials. Don’t recall hearing as many Pens fans crying.

“..By the way, have you ever seen anything more immature, lackluster, or wholly disappointing before?”
Well, if you include the pathetic defensive abilities, the egotistical puck grabbing, the horrendous off ice attitude (push that little girl down!) of what Caps fans think passes as a Superstar, then yeah, I have.  That would be the last two seasons of the Washington Capital Team.

…Critics (if they are brave enough to go against mainstream hockey thinking, and if the first 6.99 games of this year's Olympics are any indication, they're not) will point to Crosby's one even-strength point in the series and awful performance in the decisive game and claim he "disappeared" or "choked" or "failed to provide much of any leadership to his team against a vastly inferior opponent."
Not sure which is worse, scoring one point in losing or seven or e and losing. Tough call. And how was that second series that the Caps Pseudostar played…oh, my bad!? He only played in one. How’d the Caps do in that one anyway? But Jon’s focusing on one game rather than the series. Got to forgive him since he has no other point of view this year concerning more than 7 games.

…"disappeared" or "choked" or "failed to provide much of any leadership to his team against a vastly inferior opponent."
…”that no matter what kind of weak game you bring to Montreal, everyone scores at least once.”

You are talking about Ovechkin, aren’t you? And all those points by the Caps Pseudostar got them…where?

…“But the fact of the matter is that Crosby deserves praise -- unlike last June, Sid the Kid was at least able to withstand the rigors of a Game 7, play the entire game and shake his opponents' hands after the game. That kind of leadership is rare.”
See the above comment about the Caps Pseudostar and his tact off ice, representing hockey. The “rare” would be having an egotistical, obnoxious Caps Pseudostar represent the NHL.

…But just because Sidney is gone from these playoffs, he won't be forgotten. He's sure to appear regularly shooting pucks into a dryer (one wonders if Mrs. Lemieux allows him to take target practice in their basement)…
Sid had how many shots on goal as opposed to the Caps Pseudostar? Yet Sid had one more goal than Alex? Now to be fail the Caps Pseudostar was injured otherwise he might have had 2 or 3 thousand more shots. Even Stevie Wonder, if he took 500 shots in a game, statistics say he’d probably score some goals. So maybe Alex should look into a used Maytag for the back of his car or Bruce, the team and Cap’s Fans could pitch in and buy him at least a used one. I’m sure Max (Talbot) would come over and shoot a few with Ovie.

…Just don't expect him to stoop to an appearance on Leno, Letterman, The Daily Show, or anything else that would promote the sport and not a brand that pays him handsomely require him to exhibit an ounce of charisma distract from his preparation for next season.
I don’t expect him to appear on Good Morning Moscow, either. Judging from his season stats and post season record, I don’t think Crosby is the one that needs to prepare for the next season.  Is that why the Caps Pseudostar is in Germany…for practice?  And about those Olympics…how about that Russian (Caps) Pseudostar? He sure showed them.  And the promotion thing? Did Ovie ever get that contract to do commercials for BALCO?

Malkin didn’t do well. Hard to be the best every year, right Ovie?

Same with Staal. Just a reminder, Jon, The Selke is for the regular season, has nothing to do with the playoffs. We’ll see what others think.

Sergei Gonchar playing well for a 42-year-old ... but he's only 36.
Yep, you’re right. After missing one or two games (months!) with a shoulder injury, he didn’t play as well.  But isn’t it curious that the Caps Pseudostar tanked right after that “Nationals” steroid report came out? Now, I’m not saying anything, but I’m sure it was simply concern on his part for the reputation of the team for any bad press. Anyway, after the league said everything was okey-dokey, Alex started playing better.

Marc-Andre Fleury. Yep. He’s been inconsistent. But he played most of the games and got the Pens to the playoffs. How’s that Varlamov guy doing? And which goalie will the Caps use next year? You still might be able to run to catch Ollie if he’s around! I’d hurry if I were Bruce. Ollie got a good head start and Bruce isn’t so…young anymore.

…The list goes on, and it all serves to remind us that there's a reason they talk about Crosby as the type of player who makes everyone around him better. Wait, no there isn't -- they just say that and continue to search for the ideal wingers for The Kid.
Yeah. You’re right about that. Maybe he needs something like a “Semin” in hand to make him play like Ovie.

Your comment about Cooke reminds me of all the Lady Bing play by such Caps greats as Hunter and Turgeon.

…“[the CONSOL CENTER]… will be christened by something almost as unlistenable as Pual Steigerwald and Bob Errey calling a Pens game…”
Have you listened to Joe and Craig? Joe may be the worst homer in the world and Craig’s voice is the male equivalent of Sarah Palin’s screech that only dogs and Caps fans can hear or stomach.

Fun Igloo fact:
The only time the Stanley Cup was ever presented in the building, it was to the 2007-08 Detroit Redwings.
Kinda like the ‘97-‘98 Caps?

The comment about the CONSOL CENTER and the same color shirts of the fans is marginal at best.
I’m certainly glad the sheep in D.C. didn’t all wear red...oh, wait.  You must not have watched those games (dang black and white radios!). Here I thought Craig was your “Color” man. Guess he forgot to mention those red shirts. And the cowbells! Enough to drive Quasimodo even crazier! Don’t even get me started on your foghorn.

…About McGuire. I’m pretty sure his first love is anyone from Detroit. Then you may have to pry his lips from Philly Flyer Richard’s…Stick before you espouse McGuire’s love for Sid.

…“Already sent home for the summer were the Capitals and Devils, who were a combined 10-0-0 against the Pens this season…”
That record sure did those teams a lot of good, eh, hoser? Maybe if the Caps finished 3rd or 4th, they might still be in it. Sorry. Too funny to even comment there.

…“Instead, Pens fans have to sit back and watch the Keystone State's last best hope at a hockey championship in 2010 -- the Philadelphia Flyers Hershey Bears.”
Maybe your rotund coach or somewhat confused owner should consider switching the Caps for the Bears. At least the Bears can win something.

The implied shot at Rothlesberger was cheaper than anything you ever took at Sidney. I thought this was a eulogy for the Pens. Do you really want to open any closets of former, present or future Washington Sports Players or broadcasters?

Your eulogy was funny, sometimes apropos and for the most part enjoyable, as much as was my attempt at ripping into it. Your sense of humor could use some polishing. But the comment about Ben was beneath contempt. Stick to hockey. You have a great blog with many decent fans. Don’t turn it into a yellow sports tabloid. 

The content expressed in fanposts does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the staff here at FanPosts are opinions expressed by fans of various teams throughout the league but may be more Pittsburgh-centric for obvious reasons.

Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join PensBurgh

You must be a member of PensBurgh to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at PensBurgh. You should read them.

Join PensBurgh

You must be a member of PensBurgh to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at PensBurgh. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.