The Bandwagoning Bastard’s Guide to the 2010/11 Pittsburgh Penguins
by Alighieri on Apr 2, 2011 9:42 PM EDT
Email
PrintWelcome to Pensburgh. Where the language is clean & the thoughts are anything but.
It’s that time of the year again. Where a tiring 6 month campaign essentially becomes pointless so we can decide with four 7 game series to decide who earns bragging rights to that oversized shiny thing that all 30 teams play for.
No! It's Mine!
Yup, that cup. Not the other one those damned Caps fans are so proud of.
Despite the fact that we’ve lost Geno (& possibly Sid) for the post-season, the Penguins still have a really good team. Sooner or later, some people are gonna figure that out & start rooting for this team too.
Quit snickering, lifers! We’ve all been there...
I figured that as a public service to any new (hopefully not temporary) Pens fans, I’d include a primer on our team so you can keep up in the game day threads.
So!
Give us your tired, your poor. Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,. The wretched refuse of your teeming shore...
Whether you’re just squatting with us for the playoffs, finally giving up on your bullshit team or have no idea what a puck even looks like, WELCOME! We’re glad to have you in the fold.
THE BASICS
Introducing your 2010/11 Pittsburgh Penguins!
If you don’t already worship at the alter of the Sid, GTFO. We don’t want your kind here. He'll be back... And you'll be sorry...
The second part of our two headed monster. /ignores injury/ OK! Move along! Nothing to see here!
Probably not the best way to start this primer... I need a hug now... *sniff
Despite coming back beastly-er than ever from foot & hand injuries, will still be traded for Jason Spezza & a Klondike bar.
Prankster, Super Goalie extraordinaire, all around nice guy, our Flower’s had a bad start to the year but is now a legit superstar. Plus he’s pretty much cornered the market on classy, unless your name happens to be f***face.
Vastly improved since last year, a real Norris trophy candidate. Also, HAIR!!!
Now with more hustle & backchecking than ever before!
Long lost son of Ric Flair & a known menace to society. In the past he has brutally assaulted Artem Arnisimov, Alex Ovechkin & Fedor Tyutin, also prematurely ending the career of Mark Savard. Eyewitness accounts also prove that he was the second shooter on the grassy knoll.
Benstonium | Pittsburgh Tornado Parody -- Hempfield, PA
Sid’s Entourage. They have proven their worth when Sid was out but the search for a new winger continued anyway. I SMELL A SITCOM!!!
 |
David Attenborough monologue
The fabled, elusive Top 6 winger hasn’t been sighted in Western Pennsylvania in recent years. Much of this magnificent creature is still a mystery to us. His ability to blend in & develop a rapport with the leader of the Pack, Sidney, will decide his future here. Currently resorts to gimmick shots to garner the attention he so craves.
Too much Free Candy will result in broken bones, internal injuries & plenty of face time with the boards.
Our back-up goalie enjoys himself some Led Zeppelin. Our new team goon after discovering his ability to win fights with a single punch. And he loves it. He f***ing loves it!
is glad we saved him from New Jersey when we did.
Harvard graduate, Craig F***ing Adams reads thick books & therefore is smarter than you. He also has the cutest kid in the world.
I tried to write a bio for Michalek. But he blocked the internets like the machine that he is.
Max is a douche. Suck it! Talbo!
Don't ever go out with a hockey player! Okay?
Leads the league in shots to the goalies crest. Recently discovered latent Sidney Crosby DNA. Not sure if upgrades are permanent.
Powerplay QB. Heir apparent to Sarge Gonny. Wait... What do you mean he’s not playing for the Pens anymore?
True story: They were gonna name a street in his hometown after him but decided against it because no one crosses Deryk Engelland & lives. For Engelland!!!
Musical Interlude:
The Baby Pens! featuring Grease, DJ Hero & The Terminator!
The WBS Boys! - Mark Letestu, Dustin Jeffrey & Chris Conner
First we had our resident overgrown hobbit who was so fearsome that Chris Pronger tried to sit on him. Then came our very own DJ Hero. John Conner’s son is a cute little man. They got other back up singers, but honestly, who doesn’t love Baby Penguins?
Not really what I meant...
The rest:
Eric Godard - Wears sharp suits & is adorable when he attempts to play like a real hockey player
Mike Comrie - That’s MISTER Hilary Duff to you.
Arron Asham - Has yet to completely wash the Flyers stink off himself.
Mike Rupp - is our inside source from Twitter.
Rev. Ben "Stop in the name of" Lovejoy, "before you break my Hart (trophy)."
GM Ray Shero is a real BAMF.
You can't spell Shero without HERO.
Coach: "Disco" Dan Bylsma
Looking like a Boss in that bad-ass gansta hat!
THE RULES
If you flout these rules, Brooks Orpik will stare at you until you plead for mercy.
- Sid > Ovie
- There are no exceptions to rule number 1.
- Thou shall not cheer for the Philadelphia Flyers or any team or players affiliated with them.
- Unless they are playing the Capitals
- In Shero We Trust
- You are obliged to shoot teams playing the trap with high caliber firearms. If firearms are not available, you are to flip them off with an appropriate digit.
- Thou shall always point & laugh at the comical exploits of Stretchypants McCussCuss, Mr. Ovechtrip & Michael of the bright orange Vespa.
- No making fun of Sid’s playoff beard.
- Jordan will always be the best Staal.
- You will enjoy beer & waffles! Preferably not simultaneously.
- Individual trophies are irrelevant unless Sidney Crosby wins them.
- The 2011 Winter Classic never happened.
- Dating fellow bloggers here is not only permitted, it is encouraged.
- Dating of non-Pens fans, not so much *glares at wg1of5
- DO NOT DOUBT THE POWER OF THE KILL!
Pensburgh House Rule:
No F Bombs. FrankD has big red "Ban" button & an itchy trigger finger.
Warning:
On game nights, this blog magically fills up with hyperactive & easily distracted commenters who can’t stop laughing & possibly drink too much. Anything you say can & will be intentionally misconstrued or turned into an innuendo for our entertainment. By entering the game thread, you have agreed to be mocked for your eventual addiction to the site & the resulting lack of a social life. You have also agreed to eventually develop an unhealthy relationship with your keyboard’s "Z" key that resembles that of a lab rat & a shiny button which produces rewards of nutritious food pellets &/or cheese.
There you have it. The basics of being a Penguins fan here on Pensburgh. Please leave a physical description & an address in the comments. If we find you mentioning unsavory things about our Pens & our blog, a combination of Cookie, Brooksy, Beej, Engelland, Godard and myself will hunt you down & poke you with sharp pointy sticks of +2 poking. Either that or we’ll send Billy Guerin to visit you with a rolled up newspaper.
Frankly, Billy G’s scarier.
Have a nice playoff run!
=)
The content expressed in fanposts does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the staff here at Pensburgh.com. FanPosts are opinions expressed by fans of various teams throughout the league but may be more Pittsburgh-centric for obvious reasons.
46 comments
|
31 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
14.Dating of non-Pens fans, not so much *glares at wg1of5
LOVE IT
Also Max looks funny in that picture :P
Certified Grabbo lover. GET WELL SOON, SID
The universe moves depending on where Sidney Crosby is on the ice - IHeartPenguins
"I'm glad we've got the best fans in the league." - Tomas Kaberle on Leaf fans
You’re just jealous that you didn’t get a shutout. =P
Hard work always beats talent if talent doesn't work hard.
ARE YOU F#$%ING KIDDING ME!!!! ADAMS!!! JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST YOU HAD 24 SQUARE FEET AND YOU MISSED IT ALL!! - OlenWhitaker
Certified Grabbo Lover, though only by accident.
*Shoutout. D’oh.
Hard work always beats talent if talent doesn't work hard.
ARE YOU F#$%ING KIDDING ME!!!! ADAMS!!! JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST YOU HAD 24 SQUARE FEET AND YOU MISSED IT ALL!! - OlenWhitaker
Certified Grabbo Lover, though only by accident.
Haha this is just freaking awesome!
Wish I could rec this 100x :)
by AppleSweetRose on Apr 2, 2011 10:47 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
Well done! Love all the 24/7 stuff.
This team is just awesome XD
I am a smart cookie.
Get Well Soon, Penguins!
24/7 was an absolute gift for Penguins fans, even if it did lead up to The Game We Won’t Mention. It added “f***face” to my vocabulary!
"This would have been a goal if it went in."--Paul Steigerwald, 2/10/11
by GreenEyedLilo on Apr 3, 2011 10:49 AM EDT up reply actions
Nicely done! Love the David Attenborough monologue and TK “not sure if upgrades are permanent”. Guess we’ll have to pay to find out.
by PensAreYourDaddy on Apr 3, 2011 8:53 AM EDT reply actions
I totally want to send this to anyone who asks me “What is it about the Pittsburgh Penguins?” Completely accurate, great pictures and videos. I love how in that last one, Talbot looks nervous around Guerin!
Just one thing—we can’t make fun of Crosby’s playoff “beard”? But I enjoy doing that so much!
"This would have been a goal if it went in."--Paul Steigerwald, 2/10/11
Well Done!
Well done indeed! Very very cool. Way cool and funny. Love it!
Cheers for the Pens! Cheers for the Canucks!
When you're winning no one complains about the ice...
Prayers and good thoughts for Manny: get well soon.
Crosby is coming back better then evah!
Follow me on Twitter as PensFanInDenver
by PensFanInDenver on Apr 3, 2011 11:51 AM EDT reply actions
Okay...
Ali, this is supreme. Perfection. Totally wicked…
L O V E D I T ! ! ! ! =D
Hometown Proud :)
"He loves hockey. He has soul." Mike Babcock about Sidney Crosby :)
Get better soon Sid...
Super rec'd
Hometown Proud :)
"He loves hockey. He has soul." Mike Babcock about Sidney Crosby :)
Get better soon Sid...
Staal for Spezza lives.
Forevermore! :)
Cooke for Byng. Kunitz for Prime Minister. Orpik for President.
That was amazing....
and led to me spending too much time watching videos of Pens’ children. Also, wg, if you need support, I’m here to help. My gf is a Caps fan.
"When I put on my uniform, I feel I am the proudest man on earth."
-Roberto
by blackjackfishtaco on Apr 3, 2011 11:43 PM EDT reply actions
well done
you just forgot THE rule:
LIVE in pensburgh!
(That is what I will do from September on ^^)
And yet somehow...
Caps fans are the only side of the rivalry that are accused of being obsessed with the other team…
I am so over this comment, and so over the Sid-vs-Ovi thing.
The Pens’ biggest rivals this season have been the hockey gods.
Friggin’ injuries.
Cooke for Byng. Kunitz for Prime Minister. Orpik for President.
I don’t disagree with you, actually. It’s a tired argument the whole “who cares more about who” thing, and honestly it’s frustrating. In my personal opinion, one of the greatest things about sports (from a fan’s perspective, as I’m not a pro athlete) is the rivalries that become bigger with time. (Except in extreme cases such as the SF Giants fan who was badly beaten by some LA Dodgers fans. Awful, awful stuff.)
I was just having a bit of fun— and I definitely didn’t want to give the impression that it was in any related to Sid v. Ovie. Merely a (hopefully?) playful reminder that we Caps fans aren’t myopically obsessed with the Pens, and even if we were, it’s not like it’s one-sided. I think 4 of those 15 rules come back to hating us. Since I can’t comment from the perspective of a Pens fan, because I’m not one, I commented on the facet that was interesting to me. I think it’s brilliant article, honestly, and I’ve always envied your fan base’s use of photoshop.
The “Who is better Crosby or Ovechkin” question has no doubt become tired for Caps fans b/c its been definitively answered.
any negative feelings toward the Caps are not b/c they’ve beaten the Penguins in the playoffs…a lot of it has to do w/ the Steckel blindside hit on Crosby and Ovechkin’s knee-to-knee on Gonchar in the playoffs (and, perhaps, the way Boudreau constantly whines), and, speaking for those of us who are Pens fans living in DC, the way many Caps fans (generally, the loudest) tend to not have much knowledge or appreciation for the history of hockey or the game as a whole.
Wow.
I’ve seen your posts before, so I know that you’re going to believe what you want to believe, but… wow. Just wow.
The “Who is better” question isn’t tired because it’s been definitively answered— it’s tired because it CAN’T be definitively answered and yet people still try. Not only because they play different positions, but also because they have completely different styles of play. People will always, ALWAYS, prefer one to another, and will always disagree. It’s an unanswerable question.
If you can’t legitimately look at Ovechkin and at least say “He’s a great player,” or “He is skilled” then you yourself are the one who has “no knowledge or appreciation for the history of hockey or the game as a whole”. And also— I love that your thorough knowledge of the “history of hockey and the game as a whole” provided with you with three shining examples of events that have caused “negative feelings”, none of which pre-date 2008.
As for you banging the drum about the Steckel hit, the Gonchar hit, etc etc ad nauseum… well, dude. I get it, you’re not a Caps fan. We all get it. I’m not a Pens fan, but I respect them. I don’t constantly bang the drum about the wrongs they commit, of which there are many.
Hm. I seem to have set off a chain of comments that I didn’t mean to set off. I think I was feeling particularly ornery the other day … and I am, in fact, tired of Sid-vs-Ovi pontificating (I’m all for the occasional round of trash talk in a game day thread, though … let’s not lose that! :)).
I think you’re right: the two are very different players (with very different personalities). Comparing them just never quite works out. And truthfully, I think Ovi is going to surprise us with his play both during the playoffs this year and during the season next year. We’ll see. But I won’t be surprised when I’m surprised.
Cooke for Byng. Kunitz for Prime Minister. Orpik for President.
Yeah, I didn’t mean to totally overtake the comments on what is a fantastic post. (Tip of the hat, Alighieri!)
I just didn’t want you to think I was trolling aimlessly with my first post, which was why I commented again, and then this last post…. well, I just needed to answer. I hope your Ovi prediction comes true, of course… though his play in the playoffs has always been underrated imo. The rest of the team has disappeared for sure, but Ovi has always shown up but just couldn’t quite carry the team completely. (40 points in 28 games.)
And definitely, should the Pens and Caps meet again this post-season, I look forward to the (friendly) trash-talk in the game day threads!
Not a problem. And as far as the playoffs and Ovi: I think the new Caps that they’ve been building this year may just have started clicking at the right time. Which sucks on the “i hate the caps” front, but should make for some good playoff hockey :) Although I did jut throw up in my mouth a little.
Cooke for Byng. Kunitz for Prime Minister. Orpik for President.
I’m a frequent visitor and reader of this site but not a common poster – but i gotta say this is one of the best posts i’ve seen. Well done
I’m also a frequent visitor but have never posted. But this post made my life…
by EllieBear1 on Apr 5, 2011 7:01 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
Every bit of this is genius. Thanks for the laugh bud!
PensBurgh penalty - Lavender - 2 Minutes for laughing about what goes on in the quiet room.
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
Related FanPosts on PensBurgh
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Recent FanPosts
In Association With
Latest Puck Daddy - NHL from Yahoo! Sports
- Devils look to eliminate Rangers in Game 6; Hal Gill’s broken tibia (Playoff Puck Previews)
- Conan O’Brien joins long list of LA media that don’t really know what’s going on with the Kings
- For Los Angeles Kings, when does rest become rust for Stanley Cup Final?
- Dominik Hasek wants NHL return; Tortorella on Game 6; Nash to Boston? (Puck Headlines)
- Marek Vs. Wyshynski Radio: Game Show Friday, Bobby Holik, Game 6 preview, NHL ratings debate
Latest stories and headlines from NHL.com
- Simon Gagne enjoying LA Kings' success, returns to practice after concussion absence
- Gagne back at practice, enjoying Kings' success
- First-place Knights go sight-seeing while awaiting Memorial Cup final
- NHL Network and NHL.com unveil comprehensive coverage plans for the 2012 Stanley Cup Final
- Canadiens hire Rick Dudley as assistant GM
