FanPost

The Bandwagoning Bastard’s Guide to the 2010/11 Pittsburgh Penguins

Welcome to Pensburgh. Where the language is clean & the thoughts are anything but.

It’s that time of the year again. Where a tiring 6 month campaign essentially becomes pointless so we can decide with four 7 game series to decide who earns bragging rights to that oversized shiny thing that all 30 teams play for.

 

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No! It's Mine!

 

Yup, that cup. Not the other one those damned Caps fans are so proud of.

Despite the fact that we’ve lost Geno (& possibly Sid) for the post-season, the Penguins still have a really good team. Sooner or later, some people are gonna figure that out & start rooting for this team too.

 

Quit snickering, lifers! We’ve all been there...

 

I figured that as a public service to any new (hopefully not temporary) Pens fans, I’d include a primer on our team so you can keep up in the game day threads.

 

So!

Give us your tired, your poor. Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,. The wretched refuse of your teeming shore...

Whether you’re just squatting with us for the playoffs, finally giving up on your bullshit team or have no idea what a puck even looks like, WELCOME! We’re glad to have you in the fold.

THE BASICS

 

Introducing your 2010/11 Pittsburgh Penguins!

 

Sidney Crosby

If you don’t already worship at the alter of the Sid, GTFO. We don’t want your kind here. He'll be back... And you'll be sorry...

 

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Evgeni Malkin

The second part of our two headed monster. /ignores injury/ OK! Move along! Nothing to see here!

Probably not the best way to start this primer... I need a hug now... *sniff

 

Jordan Staal

Despite coming back beastly-er than ever from foot & hand injuries, will still be traded for Jason Spezza & a Klondike bar.

 

Marc Andre Fleury

Prankster, Super Goalie extraordinaire, all around nice guy, our Flower’s had a bad start to the year but is now a legit superstar. Plus he’s pretty much cornered the market on classy, unless your name happens to be f***face.

 

 

Kris Letang

Vastly improved since last year, a real Norris trophy candidate. Also, HAIR!!!

 

Alex Kovalev

Now with more hustle & backchecking than ever before!

 

Matt Cooke

Long lost son of Ric Flair & a known menace to society. In the past he has brutally assaulted Artem Arnisimov, Alex Ovechkin & Fedor Tyutin, also prematurely ending the career of Mark Savard. Eyewitness accounts also prove that he was the second shooter on the grassy knoll.

 

Benstonium | Pittsburgh Tornado Parody -- Hempfield, PA

Pascal Dupuis & Chris Kunitz

Sid’s Entourage. They have proven their worth when Sid was out but the search for a new winger continued anyway. I SMELL A SITCOM!!!

 

 

 

James Neal

David Attenborough monologue

The fabled, elusive Top 6 winger hasn’t been sighted in Western Pennsylvania in recent years. Much of this magnificent creature is still a mystery to us. His ability to blend in & develop a rapport with the leader of the Pack, Sidney, will decide his future here. Currently resorts to gimmick shots to garner the attention he so craves.

 

Brooks Orpik

Too much Free Candy will result in broken bones, internal injuries & plenty of face time with the boards.

 

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Brent Johnson

Our back-up goalie enjoys himself some Led Zeppelin. Our new team goon after discovering his ability to win fights with a single punch. And he loves it. He f***ing loves it!

 

 

Paul Martin

is glad we saved him from New Jersey when we did.

 

Craig Adams

Harvard graduate, Craig F***ing Adams reads thick books & therefore is smarter than you. He also has the cutest kid in the world.

 

 

Zbynek Michalek

I tried to write a bio for Michalek. But he blocked the internets like the machine that he is.

 

Max Talbot

Max is a douche. Suck it! Talbo!

 

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Don't ever go out with a hockey player! Okay?

Tyler Kennedy

Leads the league in shots to the goalies crest. Recently discovered latent Sidney Crosby DNA. Not sure if upgrades are permanent.

 

Alex Goligoski

Powerplay QB. Heir apparent to Sarge Gonny. Wait... What do you mean he’s not playing for the Pens anymore?

 

Matt Niskanen

 

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Deryk Engelland

True story: They were gonna name a street in his hometown after him but decided against it because no one crosses Deryk Engelland & lives. For Engelland!!!

 

Musical Interlude:

 

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The Baby Pens! featuring GreaseDJ Hero & The Terminator!

 

The WBS Boys! - Mark Letestu, Dustin Jeffrey & Chris Conner

First we had our resident overgrown hobbit who was so fearsome that Chris Pronger tried to sit on him. Then came our very own DJ Hero. John Conner’s son is a cute little man. They got other back up singers, but honestly, who doesn’t love Baby Penguins?

 

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Not really what I meant...

The rest:

Eric Godard - Wears sharp suits & is adorable when he attempts to play like a real hockey player

Mike Comrie - That’s MISTER Hilary Duff to you.

Arron Asham - Has yet to completely wash the Flyers stink off himself.

Mike Rupp - is our inside source from Twitter.

Rev. Ben "Stop in the name of" Lovejoy, "before you break my Hart (trophy)."

 

 

GM Ray Shero is a real BAMF.

You can't spell Shero without HERO.

 

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Coach: "Disco" Dan Bylsma

Looking like a Boss in that bad-ass gansta hat!

 

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THE RULES

If you flout these rules, Brooks Orpik will stare at you until you plead for mercy.

  1. Sid > Ovie
  2. There are no exceptions to rule number 1.
  3. Thou shall not cheer for the Philadelphia Flyers or any team or players affiliated with them.
  4. Unless they are playing the Capitals
  5. In Shero We Trust
  6. You are obliged to shoot teams playing the trap with high caliber firearms. If firearms are not available, you are to flip them off with an appropriate digit.
  7. Thou shall always point & laugh at the comical exploits of Stretchypants McCussCuss, Mr. Ovechtrip & Michael of the bright orange Vespa.
  8. No making fun of Sid’s playoff beard.
  9. Jordan will always be the best Staal.
  10. You will enjoy beer & waffles! Preferably not simultaneously.
  11. Individual trophies are irrelevant unless Sidney Crosby wins them.
  12. The 2011 Winter Classic never happened.
  13. Dating fellow bloggers here is not only permitted, it is encouraged.
  14. Dating of non-Pens fans, not so much *glares at wg1of5
  15. DO NOT DOUBT THE POWER OF THE KILL!

Pensburgh House Rule:

No F Bombs. FrankD has big red "Ban" button & an itchy trigger finger.

 

Warning:

On game nights, this blog magically fills up with hyperactive & easily distracted commenters who can’t stop laughing & possibly drink too much. Anything you say can & will be intentionally misconstrued or turned into an innuendo for our entertainment. By entering the game thread, you have agreed to be mocked for your eventual addiction to the site & the resulting lack of a social life. You have also agreed to eventually develop an unhealthy relationship with your keyboard’s "Z" key that resembles that of a lab rat & a shiny button which produces rewards of nutritious food pellets &/or cheese.

 

There you have it. The basics of being a Penguins fan here on Pensburgh. Please leave a physical description & an address in the comments. If we find you mentioning unsavory things about our Pens & our blog, a combination of Cookie, Brooksy, Beej, Engelland, Godard and myself will hunt you down & poke you with sharp pointy sticks of +2 poking. Either that or we’ll send Billy Guerin to visit you with a rolled up newspaper.

 

Frankly, Billy G’s scarier.

 

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Have a nice playoff run!

=)

The content expressed in fanposts does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the staff here at Pensburgh.com. FanPosts are opinions expressed by fans of various teams throughout the league but may be more Pittsburgh-centric for obvious reasons.

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