5). Put somebody on injured reserve
People getting hurt sucks. Fans get worried, so they scour the internet for news.
4). Win a playoff game
Wins are awesome, especially in the playoffs. "WE WON, I NEED TO GO ON THE INTERNET AND FIND OTHER PEOPLE WHO LIKE THE PENGUINS TO TO CELEBRATE WITH AND/OR PEOPLE WHO HATE THE PENGUINS TO MOCK."
This is best taken advantage of when accompanied by a list.
3). Leak rumors to the media right before July 1.
LISTS = $$$
2). Get in a bunch of fights!
First we'll get indignant. Back in your cage, Gillies! Then discuss why the guy on the other team should be suspended for a month, and why the league should be lenient on Matt Cooke.
Oh wait, it's 2012. Nevermind! Next, add in a fight video (make sure to put VIDEO in the headline).
Finally, we'll put up a list of FIGHTS.
1). TRADE TRADE TRADE TRADE TRADE
For the love of god, trade somebody. Anybody. Now.
And then we'll put up a list of... I don't know, maybe mythological beasts again.