Five things the Penguins need to do EVERY DAY so we can generate lots of lists and page views

5). Put somebody on injured reserve

People getting hurt sucks. Fans get worried, so they scour the internet for news.

I033097_medium

That's when we pounce, putting up a list of the worst injuries to face the Penguins ever or something. Bada bing! Instant page views.

4). Win a playoff game

Wins are awesome, especially in the playoffs. "WE WON, I NEED TO GO ON THE INTERNET AND FIND OTHER PEOPLE WHO LIKE THE PENGUINS TO TO CELEBRATE WITH AND/OR PEOPLE WHO HATE THE PENGUINS TO MOCK."

This is best taken advantage of when accompanied by a list.

3). Leak rumors to the media right before July 1.

Shero wants to sign Marian Hossa? Or Dan Hamhuis? Or Jaromir Jagr? Or Janne frickin' Pesonen? Or Billy Tibbets? Get some articles out there press. Call some agents, get some banal quotes.

We'll link to it. And post a list of guys the Penguins should sign or have signed or shouldn't sign or whatever. Something with lists.

LISTS = $$$

2). Get in a bunch of fights!

First we'll get indignant. Back in your cage, Gillies! Then discuss why the guy on the other team should be suspended for a month, and why the league should be lenient on Matt Cooke.

Oh wait, it's 2012. Nevermind! Next, add in a fight video (make sure to put VIDEO in the headline).

Finally, we'll put up a list of FIGHTS.

1). TRADE TRADE TRADE TRADE TRADE

For the love of god, trade somebody. Anybody. Now.

Rick Nash for Richard Park and futures? Andy Delmore for Deryk Engelland? Bobby Orr for Rick Kehoe? Something. Anything. In the words of Don Cherry, LET'S GO.

And then we'll put up a list of... I don't know, maybe mythological beasts again.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join PensBurgh

You must be a member of PensBurgh to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at PensBurgh. You should read them.

Join PensBurgh

You must be a member of PensBurgh to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at PensBurgh. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9355_tracker