5). Put somebody on injured reserve
People getting hurt sucks. Fans get worried, so they scour the internet for news.
4). Win a playoff game
Wins are awesome, especially in the playoffs. "WE WON, I NEED TO GO ON THE INTERNET AND FIND OTHER PEOPLE WHO LIKE THE PENGUINS TO TO CELEBRATE WITH AND/OR PEOPLE WHO HATE THE PENGUINS TO MOCK."
This is best taken advantage of when accompanied by a list.
3). Leak rumors to the media right before July 1.
Shero wants to sign Marian Hossa? Or Dan Hamhuis? Or Jaromir Jagr? Or Janne frickin' Pesonen? Or Billy Tibbets? Get some articles out there press. Call some agents, get some banal quotes.
LISTS = $$$
2). Get in a bunch of fights!
First we'll get indignant. Back in your cage, Gillies! Then discuss why the guy on the other team should be suspended for a month, and why the league should be lenient on Matt Cooke.
Oh wait, it's 2012. Nevermind! Next, add in a fight video (make sure to put VIDEO in the headline).
Finally, we'll put up a list of FIGHTS.
1). TRADE TRADE TRADE TRADE TRADE
For the love of god, trade somebody. Anybody. Now.
Rick Nash for Richard Park and futures? Andy Delmore for Deryk Engelland? Bobby Orr for Rick Kehoe? Something. Anything. In the words of Don Cherry, LET'S GO.
And then we'll put up a list of... I don't know, maybe mythological beasts again.