The world can relax, if just a little.
Joseph Kony, the child-mutilating, murdering, gang-rapist African warlord is no longer a menace. The affluent white guy who had a problem with Kony and made a little bit of YouTube magic got caught running around San Diego in the nude, doing generally insane things. So Kony doesn't matter anymore.
You can stop liking Kony stuff on Facebook and wearing wristbands and telling your friends how SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT THIS ISSUE IS, if you hadn't stopped within a day of seeing the video.
The trend is gone, the impact on society nullified.
KONY 2012 is dead (well, figuratively); long live Zach Parise and #PariseWatch.
What is #PariseWatch, absolutely no one reading this asks?
Well, it's the latest installment of a now-yearly phenomenon during which The Internet adds a new prefix to the word "Watch," hashtags the hell out of it and observes pseudo-journalists as they digitally stumble around and guess really, really hard about what some guy they have zero contact with is going to do.
Steal unverified reports and tweet them without attribution, guess without provocation, spam for the sake of retweeting and retweet for the sake of spamming, 140 characters at a time. Get your name out there and bask in the afterglow of... saying absolutely nothing.
Updates aplenty, news ascarce.
On Sunday, #PariseWatch was imminent and really important. Lots of nothing was reported, but it was reported vigorously. We were enthralled.
On Monday, #PariseWatch was all imminent and really, really important. There was a short press conference in the afternoon where nothing broke and we read in-depth analysis of the nothingness. We remained enthralled.
On Tuesday, the #PariseWatch machine sprung a leak, began to sputter. Patience wore down, the moment drew out. The subject, it seems, wanted to take some time to make up his mind.
"Welcome to the 21st century," The Internet says to #PariseWatch, clearly disappointed in its offspring. "Say goodbye to your trending status, your relevance, your Google Analytics score. You are no longer needed until you are needed."
Just go on the Twitter beast, search for "Parise quiet" and see what pops up.
Fewer and fewer people talking about nothing happening. The most important decision ever, lost in an extended moment.
What movie was it that said life was a series of moments, and to seize yours? I'm sure it was good. Twitter took that, and made life a series of moments. Shorter and shorter moments, each vitally important until they're done, disposed of shortly after.
#PariseWatch? Irrelevant for now.
Give it a few days. It'll briefly be really, really important again. Life-changing. And then gone forever.
Like that Kony guy.