Everyone loves to do rankings nowadays. But this is different. This is just a list. NHL teams suck. Chain restaurants suck. Why not make a happy marriage of the two for each team, pointing out the worst flaws in each?
Anaheim Ducks - KFC
Easy start here. Corey Perry is a chicken.
Bruce Boudreau is the BBQ sauce King. This is too simple and too easy to ignore.
Arizona Coyotes - Roy Rogers
Both are hard to find and you're always extremely disappointed whenever you do find them. It's also inconceivable how either of these still exist in 2014.
There's nothing else interesting or witty to put here or photoshops to make of logos, mostly because both are boring as hell.
Boston Bruins - Taco Bell
They both make you equally sick, but are extremely popular amongst both dumb and drunk people.
That's future Taco Bell MANAGER, Milan Lucic, to you
Buffalo Sabres - Domino's
Two identities who publicly admitted that their recipe was crap and tore it down trying to rebuild. Neither of them are making progress yet, either.
Unironically, the Domino's logo has as many points on it as the Sabres will have in wins all season.
Calgary Flames - Arby's
Watching the Flames is like eating thinly sliced hot dog meat....just like what you get at Arby's!
Carolina Hurricanes - Hardee's
Both are just kind of....there. But as hard as they try, no one ever really goes there.
Chicago Blackhawks - Ruth's Chris Steak House
Elite. Really good. Not ever really disappointing.
But, if the bill gets too high, the credit card (or salary cap space) might get maxed out.
Colorado Avalanche - Pizza Hut
Pizza Hut and the Avalanche both continue to try all these new crazy, zany things, but the reality of it is that both of these things were significantly better 15 to 20 years ago. I guess you could say that both Pizza Hut and Colorado have...regressed...over the years.
Columbus Blue Jackets - Little Caesar's
Only $5 for a Hot n' Ready, which happens to be the same amount the Blue Jackets are willing to pay their #1 young center in contract negotiations
Dallas Stars - Jimmy Johns
Really good and underrated. Fast and quick. Often times not the greatest option in a crowded market (or a Central Division)
Detroit Red Wings - Cracker Barrel
The Red Wings are Cracker Barrel because old people flock to them. They're consistent with what they provide, but they are slow as hell.
Edmonton Oilers - Chuck E' Cheese
Every year, you feel like it's gonna be a ton of fun, but in the end, you find that it's just a bunch of kids running around like idiots.
Florida Panthers - Dairy Queen
The common denominator between the Panthers and Dairy Queen is that during winter time, their attendances are equal.
When summer rolls along and the weather gets warm (free agency), the dollars are flying around like mad.
Los Angeles Kings - In n' Out
It's California. It fits. Everyone pretends to love them, but they love their own burger place (and team) more when push comes to shove.
Minnesota Wild - Carl's Jr
Carl's Jr. and the Minnesota Wild are the same thing as the Carolina Hurricanes and Hardees, except they're in the Midwest.
Sad moment for Wild fans: their local Carl's Jr is lacking...ahem....OUTDOOR seating :(
Montreal Canadiens - Starbucks
Trendy, popular, stuck-up, and lack depth.
"Why are the muffins so soff?" - District Manager Michel Therien
Nashville Predators - Chipotle
Both are fairly cheap, but satisfying. They're never going to blow you away or wow you, but they are consistently the same.
Nashville does have a Chik-Fil-A sector under their corporate umbrella, however.
Mike Fisher (@mikefisher1212) July 1, 2014
New Jersey Devils - Subway
Like Subway, regardless what the New Jersey Devils do or change, it always taste the same. Bland and boring. Nothing special whatsoever.
New York Islanders - Cici's Pizza
It only costs $5 to get into the building. The place always looks like it is ready to close down at a minutes notice, no one is EVER proud to be seen there, but every once in a while it can be a little fun.
New York Rangers - Chili's
A lot like Applebee's in terms of faux authenticity neighborhood places that think they're more important than they really are.
Ottawa Senators - Boston Market
They try to be fancy, but it's usually not a great idea, and they live in the shadow of others.
They also happen to be bankrupt.
Philadelphia Flyers - Applebee's
You need to drink because the main course is terrible, and the turnover on staff is high every year.
Pittsburgh Penguins - The Cheesecake Factory
They pretend to be fancy and something super special, but they drop the ball big time when it comes to key moments. The sweets are good, but it's pretty expensive and overpriced.
San Jose Sharks - Panda Express
They're really good and filling almost all the time. But a few hours (or 4 games) later, you're left lacking and ultimately wanting more.
St. Louis Blues - Red Lobster
They stink and pretend to be fancy and really good.
But their specialty is actually really bad and served much, much better by other places.
Tampa Bay Lightning - Five Guys
An upstart newcomer with a lot of expectations ahead of them. They're decent, but a little over-hyped still.
I mean, Radko Gudas does kind of look like the guy who would work at Five Guys AND has the upside to make a promotion to management.
Toronto Maple Leafs - The Olive Garden
For some reason, they are popular. No one really knows why.
But despite shoddy quality and failures for decades, they continue to thrive.
Vancouver Canucks - Bonefish Grill
They think they are self important, but it really just kind of smells and your money is better spent elsewhere. I don't think Bonefish Grill has traded assets for not much in return though.
Washington Capitals - Outback Steakhouse
The Capitals pretend to be Stanley Cup contenders as much or more than Outback pretends to be Australian.
Winnipeg Jets - Hooters
Neither one of them are very good at all. But they have no problems whatsoever getting people to show up in the building.
Honestly, this was the most fun thing I've been able to work on and put together. Myself, our managing editor Jimmy, and a few contributions from a good friend Joe Depto, we were able to throw this all together and we laughed A LOT while making it. Especially at the Penguins. If you can't laugh at yourselves, what's the point?
Tell us how stupid we are and how wrong or right we are.
We really do hope that everyone enjoys this as much as we did.