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Why Mike Milbury and Jeremy Roenick Suck

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Dear NBC, I love that your family of networks has hockey on TV, but we need to talk about your infestation of clowns.

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First off, thanks for clicking on this article and giving it a read.

If you read this blog, you probably follow the Pens and the NHL and hockey. There's a good chance you understand hockey better than I do.

And so what I am about to state and discuss in this article, you already know. But that doesn't mean it shouldn't be said.

So here we go.

In big print even...

Mike Milbury and Jeremy Roenick suck.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Two of the most annoying and abjectly terrible color guys in any sport have had themselves a week. Which one should we talk about first??? How about the one that has beaten someone with a shoe?*

*that we know of

Tuesday night following Sharks-Blues game two of the Western Conference Finals, Mike was a bit dismayed about the level of the Blues play, and the fact that no one from the Sharks had a broken wrist or a concussion.

(content removed)

Just kidding.

Sure.

I'm picturing the level of put together swear words that is going on in Milbury's earpiece. Like a middle schooler who has just learned how to curse and only knows a few words, but has to string them together for emphasis.

Anywho...that was a dumb opinion from a dumb guy who was a dumb player and a dumb coach. But it was not the dumbest opinion on the network this week.

That honor falls to Jeremy Roenick.

Monday night, during the second intermission of the Pens-Lightning, Jeremy Roenick said this...

Oh so many things wrong with this statement.

1) Crosby hasn't scored in eight games, so he's lazy. Because the best players always show up at the biggest times on the brightest stages derp-aderp derp derp. If that was the case, Ovie would have seven Cups by now.

Ooops

2) Jonathan Drouin??? Really??? You mean the guy that wasted half of his season with a trade request, only to be brought back because Stamkos is out. Maybe Crosby should spend sometime with the Baby Pens next year, learn some work ethic. Oh wait...he can't. HE'S TOO BUSY BEING THE BEST DAMN PLAYER ON THE PLANET RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!

3) Roenick is a bug-eyed doofus. That had nothing to do with his comments. Just felt like it needed to be said.

So now that we have dealt with these two dueling jackasses this week, maybe its time to dish a little back. A little satirical snow-shower if you will.

Mike Milbury and Jeremy Roenick suck and here's why:

  • Mike Milbury once beat a fan with a shoe. Like...took off the guys shoe, grabed it by the heel, and slapped him with the rest of the shoe. Imagine The Malace in the Palace except for Ron Artest busting up fans with a new pair of Jordans
  • Jeremy Roenick was a Flyer. That's enough.
  • Milbury is the consummate dumb jock caveman who got a TV job and no one has the heart to send him on his way...mostly because they don't want to be beaten with their own shoe. I'm wondering if that's a make up trick or a CGI effect that separates his head from his shoulders, cause there is no way he has a neck.
  • Roenick's hair always looks wet. Always. Dude...get a paper towel for that lettuce.
  • In Big Shot, that ESPN 30 for 30 about John Spano and that other team from New York Long Island Brooklyn the Islanders, I can never tell who the dumbest people/things in that documentary are: Spano, Bettman, the Islanders owners, the Islanders fans, that ridiculous logo, Milbury, or me for caring about this for more than five seconds.
  • Nah...It's Milbury...followed by me.
  • Speaking of dumb, how is it when Roenick speaks on that show it makes Milbury seem smarter? Like, I would rather listen to almost anything rather than these two guys talk about hockey: jet planes at full volume, Justin Bieber covering Gimmie Shelter, Pierre Mcguire and Eddie O sitting on either side of me rambling on about junior hockey and the Kentucky Derby. Anything.
  • And still....Milbury seems more palatable when Roenick opens his yap.
  • Mike played in the NHL for ten years and coached/front-officed in the NHL for ten years and has no idea how the playoffs work.
  • Meanwhile, Roenick played in the league for at least forty-five years and once had a ""who can be a bigger jerk" contest with Patrick Roy, and won.
  • Milbury has no doubt donated money to Donald Trump
  • There is also no way Jeremy doesn't wear Affliction t-shirts under his suit when he is on TV.
  • Both of these jerk wads disliked John Scott at the All-Star game, which represented everything fun and amazing about the NHL and life.
  • And finally, there was always this...