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Which Penguins players are most likely to succeed in the Area 51 raid?

Let’s do some hardcore analyzing.

Pittsburgh Penguins v Buffalo Sabres Getty Images

In the dog days of summer when the news cycle slows, it can be kind of tough to find new and interesting ways to incorporate the Penguins into our daily lives. That is, until the Area 51 Raid came about.

For those who may not know what this Area 51 raid is, or may have seen bits and pieces on Facebook or Twitter, here is an article from CNET that details this new social media phenomenon.

Naturally, this Pittsburgh Penguins blog is looking to capitalize on this craze and create a divisive list in the process. Without further ado, here are the Penguins who are most likely to join (and succeed) the Area 51 raid to uncover some of the government’s darkest secrets. Rankings are from “worst” to “first.”

No. 20 - Jack Johnson

For the Jack Johnson truthers, putting him so low on the list may feel like a slap in the face. He has faced tons of criticism from the fans. But face the facts, he’s probably the slowest player on the roster at the moment. It’s very likely he’d be left at the back of the line and lose pace with the rest of the runners. Pretty much a liability here.

No. 19 - Erik Gudbranson

Much of what was said for Johnson can be said for Gudbranson. The plus that Gudbranson has over Johnson is his massive 6’4 frame. Slow but big, Guddy could easily be used as a battering ram at the front of the line to break into the compound.

No. 18 - Dominik Simon

Versatility is a plus on the ice and when storming a heavily-protected government facility. Simon doesn’t do one thing well, but does everything asked of him. That’s why Mike Sullivan loves him. While breaking in, Simon could be placed into a depth role, such as handling ammunitions, medical supplies, or what have you.

No. 17 - Nick Bjugstad

Big ‘ol Bjugstad, much like Gudbranson, has size to his name. Always a plus. He could be placed in another battering ram role. He could use his frame to take out multiple guards at once with a nice hip check.

No. 16 - Brandon Tanev

The newest Pittsburgh Penguin may be a relative unknown to a large portion of the fanbase. Still, Tanev’s tenacity and drive suits his style of play on the ice, and can be a shot in the arm for a group that’s ready to take the government head on.

No. 15 - Teddy Blueger

Teddy B finally got the call to the bigs last year and he looks poised to take over the 4C role from the newly-retired Matt Cullen. A young, reliable depth piece on the ice, I see the Latvian as a middle-of-the-pack invader who could use his smaller frame to get into the secret cracks and crevices of the compound.

No. 14 - Justin Schultz

Schultz strikes me as a guy who isn’t necessarily at the back of the pack, but more or less is a reinforcement or part of a “second wave” of breaching. Fitting for the second pair d-man.

No. 13 - Marcus Pettersson

Good size and a slim frame, Marcus Pettersson could be used in a similar fashion like Blueger.

No. 12 - Casey DeSmith

The backup netminder surely charges in with Schultz in the second wave of breaching. The group will need a steady presence and a person who is mentally capable of handling the stresses of such a large attack.

No. 11 - Brian Dumoulin

As steady as they come on the back end, I’d fit Dumo with any weapon of his choosing. He’s rarely going to be out of position when given the green light to start the raid. With such an attack, having the reliability of Dumoulin is a major plus.

No. 10 - Alex Galchenyuk

Filling the shoes of the beloved Phil Kessel is going to be a hard thing to do. However, Galchenyuk does have some pedigree to his name. His shot isn’t as wicked as Kessel’s but he will provide some offense nonetheless. With that said, I like Galchenyuk’s versatility as a player and that will translate well for the raid. Look for Galchenyuk to be a Swiss army knife.

No. 9 - Kris Letang

The elder-statesman of the D corps, Letang still has some pep in his step. His offensive instincts will help carve out a solid strategy to cover all ground ahead of the raid. All measures will be taken and all steps will be covered to ensure victory.

No. 8 - Dominik Kahun

Coming over from Chicago in the Olli Maatta trade, Kahun was highlighted for three main attributes: speed, skill, and youth. All three attributes conveniently fit in with the ideals of the raid. He is surely at the front of the first wave, as he’ll be able to make his way past the guards to get an alien.

No. 7 - Jared McCann

McCann’s light shined pretty brightly when he was traded from the Florida Panthers last year. His youthfulness is a plus in the raid like we have previously established. Much like Kahun, the youth and skill aspects are huge here. Enthusiasm is needed to pull this off.

No. 6 - Matt Murray

Murray, for all his critics, is still firmly entrenched as the starter, and for good reason. He’s still young, and his two Cup rings have blocked out the haters. You don’t get to be a Stanley Cup-winning goalie by just twiddling your thumbs. Murray’s ability to turn into a brick wall when needed will be key to aiding the rest of the squad.

No. 5 - Patric Hornqvist

Hornqvist will do everything in his power to succeed and capture an alien. He will give you everything he has. His grit and determination in front of the net on a nightly basis fits in tremendously with the squad of Kyles who will stop at nothing to accomplish the goal.

No. 4 - Jake Guentzel

The master of the Jake ‘n Bake, Guentzel has slowly turned into a star before our eyes. Guentzel’s smooth hands will be utilized to break into any locked piece of equipment needed to break aliens free.

No. 3 - Bryan Rust

Speed is the name of the game when the raid begins. Most likely the fastest skater on the roster, Rusty’s speed can translate over to the battleground as well. He will be zooming past the guards during the break-in to retrieve aliens.

No. 2 - Sidney Crosby

Sidney Crosby is the complete package. That we know. His quiet demeanor and lead-by-example attitude translates well to his teammates on the ice. But I’m not so sure the same could be said before raiding a place like Area 51. That’s why the top spot goes to...

No. 1 - Evgeni Malkin

It’s no secret that Evgeni Malkin plays with emotion on his sleeve, and that’s why he takes the number one spot here over Sid. The emotion and leadership that Geno will provide will be like no other. He may be the alternate captain on the ice, but while inside Area 51, Evgeni Malkin will be the go-to general of the raid. He is score and he is alien capturer.


As always, these rankings are scientific and will not be changed under any circumstance.

Let us know down below which Penguin is most likely to storm Area 51!